Sunday, August 21, 2011

Purple Vacation

I love this purple bike!  Please include the lavender in the basket and on the back tire. 

This picture is lovely and makes me think of Europe....which then makes me think of traveling.  I will be traveling next week for a vacation with my lovely family and then to work in NYC. 

I am super excited to be able to spend a good chunk of time with my 1 year old and my family without work and daycare.  I may do a post or two from the East coast.  So, come back and check it out.

Monday, August 15, 2011

My Birth Story - Part 3

I went into the high risk doctor's office about two weeks before my due date. My blood pressure was still high and I had gained 7 pounds in a relatively short period. My hands and feet were pretty swollen. He and my OB decided that I should not be working at this point. So, I ended up working from home trying to relax and keep my feet up. (Relax is the key word here...I COULDN'T RELAX! Because of my damn wrists and legs) I kept saying, ugh...I can't wait until this baby is out so I can sleep! Friends would say that I was crazy and I better enjoy my rest now because once the baby is here, no more sleep for me! I knew better than that. No one understood the annoying and uncomfortable experience I was having. I knew I would at least be more comfortable to sleep...I might not get as much sleep but...quality versus quantity! The high risk (HR) doctor kept trying to get me to go into the hospital for induction. I saw my OB a few days after that and he too was abiding by the HR doc, saying that if I haven't had the baby by the end of the week, I needed to be induced.

This scared and infuriated me. I did NOT want to be induced! I had heard all of the horror stories about it and more than not ended up in a c-section. I wanted to have baby naturally! This was my fear...appearing before my eyes.

I held the docs off as long as I could because my tests were still showing no signs of preeclampsia. I ended up going in one week and two days prior to my due date. Baby hadn't really dropped and I was not dialated and wasn't really soft either. So, we went into the hospital at 7pm that night and was given cervadil, vaginally, to soften my cervix. That took 12 hours and no change! (Just what I was worried about) The next morning, they started me on pitocin. (I was not happy at all! AND I had to be hooked up to monitors as well as baby...didn't want that either!) I couldn't even get on my yoga ball with all that crap. NOT my plan. We went all day with nothing...a few little contractions but not enough to notice much. Around 6pm, my OB came in to check my cervix. Still barely dialeted to 2 cm. They tried breaking my water...didn't work. I started to have some relatively strong contractions about 8pm and Haize, my doula, ended up leaving to get some sleep before all hell broke loose. Hubs tried to sleep a little too.

About 10pm that night, I started having some pretty intense contractions and back pain. I woke hubs up and said,"Baby, I can't do this by myself. This hurts too bad! Please call Haize. If she doesn't get here soon, I am going to have to get an epidural!" I started vomiting because I was in so much pain. I was up to 16 on the pitocin when I believe 20 is the highest. My water ended up breaking. (What a weird feeling! It was like I had to pee and couldn't hold it in. It just kept gushing out. All I could think about was what a relief that I was a hopsital and not at home or in the car. That was alot of water!) After my water broke, baby moved from being low down to right up underneath my right boob. I thought - he is NOT coming out. He isn't ready! Haize came back and massaged my feet and my back. She said this seemed like transition labor. I knew I couldn't be so lucky.

The nurses kept coming in to check my bp and the baby. Pax couldn't stand that monitor and he would move around to avoid it. At one point, they couldn't find him. I knew he was fine but they called my OB and he said because I still wasn't dialating to take me off the pitocin and let me rest. I knew this wasn't going to end like I wanted it to. This was about 5am and around 8am, my OB checked me and I was barely dialated to 3 cm! After all of that...still no real movement! He informed me that since my water had broken that I had the choice of getting the epidural and getting back on pitocin. Hopefully, the epidural would relax me enough that baby would drop and start coming out. My other option was to have a c-section right then. I asked him to give me some time with my husband and Haize. I was crying so hard! This was my fear standing before me. NOOOOOO! is what I wanted to scream! I knew if I took that epidural, nothing was going to happen. I knew in my heart that Pax wasn't going to come out on his own today because he WASN'T READY! I didn't want to get the epidural and go through all of the pain of the pitocin and end up hours later having to have a c-section.

So, I decided to have the c-section. My OB was great. He knew how much anxiety this caused me. I was petrified. Seriously. I was scared of everything! He went and scehduled the section half an hour from that point. (This was good because it gave me less time to think) I asked so many questions before I went in. I made it clear that I had to have Haize and my husband in the operating room and that once my husband left the OR with Pax that Haize had to stay with me. They all agreed.

Unfortunately, I had to have the spinal by myself. I was wheeled into the OR which was really small, bright and cold. They had me sit on the edge of the bed leaning over while the anesthesiologist prepped my back for the needle. She stuck me with it and this electric pain shot down from my pelvis to my right leg. I yelled "ow, ow, ow". She asked where I felt the pain. Did it again, and I felt the same thing but on the other side. At this point, I was having a conversation in my head. "I am going to tell her she had her chance of getting it right the first time and the second time...that's it. She is done! No more chances!" But then I said to myself, "How the hell am I going to get this baby out?!" So, I stuck through pun intended. Finally, she did what she needed to do and then frantically and firmly said "Lay down, now". So, I had to lay down really quickly before the numbness kicked in and I was paralyzed. They transferred me to the other bed and put the blue curtain up so I couldn't see. However, I remember my best friend telling me about her c-section and how she could see everything in the stainless light above her! So, of course, I did the same. I told them I could see, and they said there wasn't anything that could be done.

Hubs came in and so did Haize. I saw him look over at my insides when he walked in. He was freaked out too but he was trying to be the awesome calm, support husband that he was. He held my hand and just stared into my eyes. All of a sudden, the OB said "Do you want to see your baby?" We both started crying immediately. I heard Pax cry and I couldn't believe I had my baby! All of a sudden I had my baby! After all of the owrry and anxiety and pain...our baby was here, just like that. I watched as they cleaned him off and listened to his cry. I wanted to hold him so badly that I couldn't think about the fact that my insides were being cleaned and washed off and my organs were being placed back into my stomach! Once, Pax was cleaned and hubs cut the umbilical cord, I held my angel! I did not want to let go of him. Unfortunately, he and hubs went to the nursery to do whatever they needed to do. While my OB was sewing me back up, he said that Pax had the cord wrapped around his neck and he was face up. He said there was no way he was going to have come out naturally. (Just as I suspected) Had I waited another week, he may have been ready then...but at this point, my baby was healthy and safe and that is all that mattered.

I had to go to recovery after that and I was shaking uncontrollably, which I was told was due to the medication in the spinal. They said there was an order for demerol that would help. I asked for half of the ordered dosage and I found out she gave me the entire dosage! When I was about to leave, they scared me into thinking that the spinal pain medicine would wear off and I would be in some serious pain, so I should take the shot of demerol into my thigh. So, I did.

While I laid on that bed, "recovering", all I could think about was trying to get my legs to move so I could see my baby! I just wanted to hold my baby! Finally, they wheeled me down to my room. They told me that Pax had to have formula in a bottle because his blood sugar was really low, which is said to be typical of babies of gestational diabetic mothers. I wasn't happy that he didn't get my boob before the bottle.

Once Pax was brought in....which I do not remember at all because I was so doped up! ...I have seen the video of me explaining to him that it must have been really scary coming into this bright place after being cozy and warm inside my tummy. I wanted to put words to his experience.

For the next few days, I felt like I was in la-la land...still doped up for at least wo days after the surgery. I stood to walk and felt extremely dizzy. Because I had so many people helping me with Pax, the fact that he slept all the time and the fact that I was still so doped, I didn't really comprehend what had transpired. That I had actually given birth. I was having a really difficult time breast feeding because Pax had a high pallette and could feel my nipple, I couldn't get him to latch. (I will save the BF information to another day).

We stayed in the hosptial for a total of 5 days. As soon as we walked into our house, the hubs and I just started crying. We couldn't believe we had just brought home a baby, our baby and we were now responsible for him. It was so strange but lovely. All I wanted to do was protect this little angel that grew inside my belly.

A year later, that is still all I want to do. Protect him. I can't believe how much I love him and that it is even possible to feel so much love for someone. He amazes me everyday.

Happy Birthday, my sweet angel boy. You are amazing!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

My Birth Story Part 2

The continuation of my birth story....

Somethings I forgot to mention yesterday...

All throughout my pregnancy, I was working full time in TV, working as a Marriage and Family therapist trainee and going to graduate school full time. I graduated just before I had my son. I was slammed!

At 12 weeks, when we went in for the NT ultrasound, we were asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I would have liked to have waited but the hubs didn't. And he would have played games with me the entire pregnancy if I had not found we found out. I KNEW we were having a girl! Nope...the tech said you are having a boy. I actually argued with her, telling her I was for sure having a girl. Then then doc came in and was checking out the baby via ultrasound and he says "So, you are having a BOY?!" He showed us his little peter...and I couldn't argue any longer. Now, what to name the baby BOY?! I had a million girl names picked out and NO names for boys. Boy names were really hard for me. Our last name is a very generic color and I was insistent that his name was not generic. It needed to stand out. I didn't want five million Jack "Purples" in his class. We went through so many names...and nothing stuck. I ended up running into a friend that I used to work with whose partner was pregnant with a girl and they had had all boy names picked out. So, I said, "Help me!" I told her I liked the name "Pax" because it meant "peace" in Latin and hubs and I are both high anxiety peeps. I wanted to somehow project calm and peace onto our child so he didn't have to experience the world with so much anxiety. But hubs didn't like Pax alone. So, I had proposed "Paxton". He couldn't get the actor, Bill Paxton, out of his head. So, ugh! I stopped trying for a while. She, my old co-worker, said "We just interviewed a "Paxson" for an internship." OMG! I thought for a minute and then fell in love with it. It was different and not too different that people would think we were crazy parents. Hubs liked it too! And that was that! Paxson, it was!


So, at 5 months, we changed OBGYNs and I ended up really liking my choice. I think I still would have preferred someone a little more towards the holistic side, but all in all, I liked him.

I continued to see the high risk doctor, whom I grew to LOVE. I actually begged him to deliver my baby. But he stopped doing that years ago. I had to have an ultrasound every 2-3 months and check in with my bp and weight. I still had not gained a pound and baby was looking fantastic. About 8 months in, we got a bit freaked out. I started to gain a few pounds (which was water weight - because I started swelling) and my bp started to go up a little. Still, wasn't enough to put me on meds. We saw the 3D pic of baby and his cheeks were HUGE. The doc said to us "Oh, look at this bruiser." So, I started to freak a bit about the research on babies of gestional diabetic moms and saw they can be big. (With my eating disorder, this was a major concern for me). The doc reassured us that if I continued to eat well and avoid sugar and carbs, everything would be fine. So, I did. The doc praised me every step of the way saying I should be blogging about how to eat as a pregnant woman because there is such a stereotype of how the pregnant woman gives herself permission to eat and gain weight when it isn't always necessary. I am still blown away by how "clean" I ate. I did have to up the dosage of the diabetes medication at about 8 months because my sugars were increasing, which is said to be typical around this period. But I was determined NOT to take insulin shots! DETERMINED!

I walked for at least 30 minutes at least 4 times a week if not more. Hubs and I
really began to love that time together. We would walk every night when we got
home from work. And after being very pregnant and working two jobs, plus school
and schoolwork, I was BEAT! But, I pushed myself to walk.

Throughout my pregnancy, from beginning to end, I had, what some would call
restless leg syndrome. I don't know what it was...possibly anxiety transformed into
this energy that I had to kick out of my legs. Anytime I would attempt to relax on
the couch or sitting, etc this energy would start running throughout my legs. I felt
like I had to kick to release it and it wouldn't stop! It was so freaking annoying. I
was so exhausted and I couldn't relax because of this damn energy running through
my legs. Seriously, it lasted the ENTIRE NINE MONTHS! I, also, started around 5
months to have pregnancy induced carpal tunnel in my wrists. This gradually got
worse as the months went on. Not only did I end up having to sleep with a circular
body pillow, I had to wear wrist braces on BOTH wrists at night because my hands
would fall asleep otherwise.

One night, I was getting into bed, which was NOT an easy task being that I had this
giant belly, a giant pillow that I had to position myself in and the stupid wrist braces that wouldn't allow me to bend my wrists. Hubs said to me, you know a year after the baby is born, we have to start trying for baby #2! "HAH!" I said. "Do you see me? I will decide WHEN we start trying for baby #2". I had to get through this
pregnancy first and I don't know that I will want to do that again, I thought. He was
crazy as hell in that moment. Are you freaking kidding me!?

Anyway, the wrists got so bad as did the energy in my legs that I could hardly sleep
at night. We would go to bed at night and I would have to come out and lay on the
couch and watch TV. It was awful. My wrists got even worse. I had to sleep with
ice packs on at all times or my hands would ache. They were always numb by the
last or night. But at night, if the ice pack got warm, my hands and wrists would ache so badly that I wouldn't be able to take it. I would cry at how much pain I was in.

For the last month and a half of my pregnancy, I was seeing the OBGYN every two
weeks-1 week, the high risk doc every week and then I had to start having NSTs
(non stress tests to check the baby's activity)done at the hospital every week. It
ended up being three times a week toward the end. Like I had any extra time in
my life! I DIDN'T. I don't know how I made it work. The schedule was exhausting,
let alone being 9 months pregnant. Baby was always active, so I had no concerns.
The fact that I had to be in the hospital was super scary at first. I had so much
anxiety about being in a hospital, it was insane. The NSTs actually helped reduce my
anxiety. This was great for the actual delivery day. I would have less anxiety about
being admitted to the hospital because I had been so often, I was used to it.

Three weeks prior to my due date, the high risk doctor wanted to induce me for
fear that I was going to develop preeclampsia. So, I began a 24 hour pee test. I had
to pee into a huge gallon plus bottle for 24 hours so that the hospital could test my
urine for the protein that is released when a woman is preeclamptic. The test showed no signs of it. The doctors continued to check me every few days.

Enough for now...didn't mean to write a book

More to come....

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

My Birth Story - Part 1

My son will be a year old this week. The time has flown. Yet so much has happened. And oh, how my life has changed. (These are all such typical phrases...but it is all so incredibly true) Motherhood much, I can't even begin to put words to the meaning. I thought I would start this week by sharing my pregnancy and birth experience.

Before I was pregnant, I would hear other mother's birth stories and would automatically fill up with anxiety. I was so scared to be pregnant and to give birth. I was afraid of what it would feel like to have a baby in my tummy and to have to push that baby out. And oh, don't EVEN talk to me about a C-section! I didn't want to hear any details of that. It TOTALLY freaked me out. I have an insane amount of anxiety around health, hospitals and surgeries. I knew that once I was pregnant, I would eat incredibly healthy, take care of myself like never before and was going to be absolutely natural in everyway possible. No medication for me! No epidural, and I was for sure having this baby vaginally!

When hubs and I found out we were pregnant, it was Christmas morning. I hadn't had a period since November, but that wasn't unusal for me. (I have polycystic ovary syndrome) So, we waited to take a pregnancy test until Xmas morning. Hubs and I waited quietly for the digital test to read the verdict..."Pregnant" appeared on the test and we both gasped! I immediately started crying. I had so many emotions going on. I was petrified! I was ecstatic! But the fear outweighed the excitement. There was no turning back. I was going to be pregnant for ten months! That was that. I was so freaked out. We scheduled an appointment with the OBGYN right after the holidays. He, of course, confirmed the pregnancy. And so it began.

I hired a doula, who was my newly found neighbor. If I didn't have high blood pressure to start off with, I would have elected to do a home birth. Having a doula was a must for me. I needed someone to be available to answer questions, ease my mind and help me through the process of pregnancy and delivery. Haize, my doula, was there and did all of those things. In the end, she became so much more to us than our doula.

I had to watch my blood pressure. I stopped taking the medication because it wasn't safe for the baby. So, I tried a medication that was supposed to be safe and my blood pressure dropped in the middle of the night. (I ended up having a minor panic attack after this) Needless to say, I nixed that one. I began doing things medication to see if I could. I was able to keep my BP down with my eating choices (and the 2nd trimester helped because apparently, the blood pressure goes down during those months). At three months, my OBGYN wanted to have the NT ultrasound done to check for genetic defects, etc. The usual doctor he refers to was booked up, so he found another doctor that he spoke very highly of...he happend to be a high risk perinatologist. I went there expecting to have the ultrasound done and that be that. Nope. He must have assumed I was there for high risk as well, because I was given a no sugar diet to prevent gestational diabetes and lower blood pressure, he put me on vitamins and baby aspirin for the bp and I was to see him every so often. He told me I shouldn't gain any weight. (Ok, I was freaked out by this visit - I did not want to be treated like a high risk pregnancy)...I did end up getting gestational diabetes) I was able to avoid insulin shots by taking a small dosage of medication and of course, watching my food intake was the BIGGEST part of all. I did not gain a pound. This doctor became my favorite because he wanted me to try holistic healing first before medicine. He believed diet could change most things that I encountered. And he was pretty much right on. I ate so well, I was amazed by it all. (If you used to follow me a while back, you will know that I battle with an eating disorder - binge to be specific)I couldn't believe how I was able to eat so well without binging. Everything for my baby. He must have the best!

This was me at 5 1/2 months pregnant.

About this time, I went to my OBGYN and a conversation about C-sections and epidurals began. I said something about wanting to avoid an epidural and he asked why. I told him because I wanted to do this naturally. He smirked and said "Epidurals are good. We don't want you screaming in pain." Nope. Not the person I want delivering my baby and forcing me into an epidural because he didn't want to hear me scream! I would be pushing a baby out, asshole! Of course, I am going to scream! That is normal. This was when I switched from my scientific, medicine minded OBGYN to one that was more willing to give me other options than medicine first and not so quick to resort to C-section.

Ok, whew...that is enough for now...I will end here for now and follow up tomorrow with more of My Birth Story.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Purple Post

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Purple Door or Red Door Contemplation

Ok, I think I have decided that I should keep my red door. It just needs to be repainted (as does my entire exterior). Here are a few shots of my front porch area. Look at the red and then the purple...what do you think?

You see, I have an awesome red bottle brush in the front yard that cozies up to the house. It matches the front door.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Some Purple Love

 Photos via Pinterest.  Click on the pictures.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Purple Door Contemplation

I stumbled upon purple doors this evening. I currently have a red door leading into my house and I have always loved it and loved the red. It really brings in good energy. However, the paint is chipping so we need to repaint. But, after seeing these purple doors...I am really contemplating painting the door purple! I am just curious to see if it would match the style and Plant foliage. I may just take a pic of the front of my house so you can help me decide.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Monday, June 27, 2011

It Seems to be Slowing

I mentioned earlier that I wasn't sure when I should stop breastfeeding.  Well, it seems that I don't get to make that choice.  My milk is slowing down dramatically.  I went almost six hours today before I pumped and only got 2 OZ.  That's it!  Usually I would get about 3-6 or more ounces in one pump session.  My son has been feeding for fewer and fewer minutes recently and I thought he was just not wanting milk.  Maybe it is because I am not producing enough.  This makes me sad...

My son will soon be 11 months and  I was really hoping to breast feed him until 2 years old.  But I was determined to do it at least a year and then see how it goes from that point forward.  I am a bit sad about the fact that I don't get to choose.  Maybe, Pax is the one choosing.  Maybe, he has been weaning himself which has caused my milk to decrease or maybe I wasn't producing enough...It's like the chicken or the egg...I don't know which happened first.  But it doesn't matter.  I am not in control.  I wanted to make the decision. (Geesh, I sound like I am a teenager...) I think I am sad that it is all coming to an end and I am not ready for it.  He is growing up and almost a toddler...I don't know if I am ready for that either.  He is my baby.  Sometimes, I want to keep him that way.  But, of course, I want him to grow and thrive and be awesome in life!

I am also worried that Pax won't get enough milk from the bottle.  He is supposed to have 24 ounces a day until he is a year old.  I don't know how to do this, this way...bottle is weird.  But I guess that is what motherhood is like...constantly changing and learning as you go.   And having lots and lots of feelings about all of it too! 

I'll keep you posted on when the boob mobile officially closes.  It is coming soon.