Wow...I have really dropped the ball on maintaining my blog. My apologies. I have been so busy with work and school that I haven't been able to think about blogging. I am missing reading your blogs as well!!
In my free moments, I have been doing some soul searching. It is interesting...so have my friends. Perhaps it is our ages that allows us to take a deeper look inside ourselves and our willingness to see our own faults...all in order to become the best "me" possible.
I want complete inner peace. That is my ultimate goal. In trying to obtain that inner peace, there are some issues {some that I am aware of and some that I am not aware of as of yet} that I need to work through on a conscious level as well as an unconscious level.
I have been taking baby steps to changing old thoughts, beliefs, and rules that either were taught to me as a child or I created for myself. Those beliefs, thoughts or rules that were taught to me as a child may not have been "my truth" and may not fit with my "true self". It is now that I need to work through those and determine what is "truth" to me and what was my parents' "truth".
It is very important to me to find out who I really am, what I truly desire, what I like and what makes ME happy. I have been living my life for others approval instead of living my life for ME! When I was in college, I remember saying to myself and to others..."I don't care what people think of me. If they don't like it, fuck them." This was a wall I built up around myself to protect me from being hurt and feeling vulnerable. {What is soooo wrong with being human??} In the past few weeks, I have realized "Boy - I was really lying to myself". Many things I do in my life are done with the hope of recognition from others. I HATE THAT! I think I was not sure of who I was...I was who others thought I was.
Now, my baby step right now is to pay attention to what it is that makes me happy, what it is that I WANT. I am trying to hush the critical judge that I have invented {he lives in my head and talks to me ALL the time! Trying to make me feel I can't do it unless it is perfect. "SHUT UP" - I say!} The questions I will ask myself for the next while as I move through life will be "Who am I doing this for? What do I want out of this?" My motto for the next while will be "If I am true to myself, that is ALL that matters - NOT what others think. " {A statement I used to THINK I believed in...until I woke up} This statement will also hopefully work towards diminishing the critical judge's voice and help me to live my life withOUT the need for perfection.
One baby step at a time...
12 comments:
it's like with each new phase in our lives we have to take a step back ...look at ourselves honestly and reevaluate our thoughts and actions and make changes accordingly. It's weird when you realize you've been living the way you "thought" you should from the mindset of your younger "you" ...but we were so young ...we didn't really know at all ...and to live by those standards ultimately blocks any further growth. Again, reevaluation time.
I'm definitely going through a growth period right now as well. Maybe something's in the air. :)
hey man, it is good to keep morphing. stagnation is no good!
I've been going through this too. I had someone ask me if I was "happy." It was such a simple question, and yet it really got under my skin. Since then, I've been evaluating my life, my thoughts, and the decisions I am making.
I think for me, I find that I go through my days without much thought, other than just getting through the day.
And what's really hitting me is that I am lacking intentionality.
Without being intentional...where is the happiness?
Sorry, went off topic. Just wanted to say, yes I get it.
=)
Oh - Summer...totally!
Exactly Maeg. AND- we have to remain open to evaluate. Not just accept what we are...but explore who we are
Wonderful blog Allison...welcome back. :)
Something must be in the water, because I've been having the feelings about this same subject. I call the critical judge, my gremlin intead...nasty ass bugger!
I'll leave you with a entry from the book called "The Four Agreements"...a must read book.
“To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we do not fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never!”
Candace - wow. How appropriate! Thank you for sharing. I may have to pick that book up during my semester breaks.
I tagged you today ....SHOW OFF YOUR NEW PURSE LADY!
i love you...
Hi Allison! I loved this post. I can really relate to a lot of what you wrote. I have "a judge" in my head, too. I've been trying to kill the judge....smothering with a pillow, eating really cold ice cream hoping that he would freeze, but mostly by telling the judge to f-off. It's hard to stop the judge.
Keep up the great writing!
Good for you. Good change is growth, hon. Always do things for you and no one else.
ah yes, the four Agreements is a MUST read, and all of Don Miguel's other books as well...a very grounded man. Plus I think regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, the books are eye opening for all walks of life.
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