This scared and infuriated me. I did NOT want to be induced! I had heard all of the horror stories about it and more than not ended up in a c-section. I wanted to have baby naturally! This was my fear...appearing before my eyes.
I held the docs off as long as I could because my tests were still showing no signs of preeclampsia. I ended up going in one week and two days prior to my due date. Baby hadn't really dropped and I was not dialated and wasn't really soft either. So, we went into the hospital at 7pm that night and was given cervadil, vaginally, to soften my cervix. That took 12 hours and no change! (Just what I was worried about) The next morning, they started me on pitocin. (I was not happy at all! AND I had to be hooked up to monitors as well as baby...didn't want that either!) I couldn't even get on my yoga ball with all that crap. NOT my plan. We went all day with nothing...a few little contractions but not enough to notice much. Around 6pm, my OB came in to check my cervix. Still barely dialeted to 2 cm. They tried breaking my water...didn't work. I started to have some relatively strong contractions about 8pm and Haize, my doula, ended up leaving to get some sleep before all hell broke loose. Hubs tried to sleep a little too.
About 10pm that night, I started having some pretty intense contractions and back pain. I woke hubs up and said,"Baby, I can't do this by myself. This hurts too bad! Please call Haize. If she doesn't get here soon, I am going to have to get an epidural!" I started vomiting because I was in so much pain. I was up to 16 on the pitocin when I believe 20 is the highest. My water ended up breaking. (What a weird feeling! It was like I had to pee and couldn't hold it in. It just kept gushing out. All I could think about was what a relief that I was a hopsital and not at home or in the car. That was alot of water!) After my water broke, baby moved from being low down to right up underneath my right boob. I thought - he is NOT coming out. He isn't ready! Haize came back and massaged my feet and my back. She said this seemed like transition labor. I knew I couldn't be so lucky.
The nurses kept coming in to check my bp and the baby. Pax couldn't stand that monitor and he would move around to avoid it. At one point, they couldn't find him. I knew he was fine but they called my OB and he said because I still wasn't dialating to take me off the pitocin and let me rest. I knew this wasn't going to end like I wanted it to. This was about 5am and around 8am, my OB checked me and I was barely dialated to 3 cm! After all of that...still no real movement! He informed me that since my water had broken that I had the choice of getting the epidural and getting back on pitocin. Hopefully, the epidural would relax me enough that baby would drop and start coming out. My other option was to have a c-section right then. I asked him to give me some time with my husband and Haize. I was crying so hard! This was my fear standing before me. NOOOOOO! is what I wanted to scream! I knew if I took that epidural, nothing was going to happen. I knew in my heart that Pax wasn't going to come out on his own today because he WASN'T READY! I didn't want to get the epidural and go through all of the pain of the pitocin and end up hours later having to have a c-section.
So, I decided to have the c-section. My OB was great. He knew how much anxiety this caused me. I was petrified. Seriously. I was scared of everything! He went and scehduled the section half an hour from that point. (This was good because it gave me less time to think) I asked so many questions before I went in. I made it clear that I had to have Haize and my husband in the operating room and that once my husband left the OR with Pax that Haize had to stay with me. They all agreed.
Unfortunately, I had to have the spinal by myself. I was wheeled into the OR which was really small, bright and cold. They had me sit on the edge of the bed leaning over while the anesthesiologist prepped my back for the needle. She stuck me with it and this electric pain shot down from my pelvis to my right leg. I yelled "ow, ow, ow". She asked where I felt the pain. Did it again, and I felt the same thing but on the other side. At this point, I was having a conversation in my head. "I am going to tell her she had her chance of getting it right the first time and the second time...that's it. She is done! No more chances!" But then I said to myself, "How the hell am I going to get this baby out?!" So, I stuck through it...no pun intended. Finally, she did what she needed to do and then frantically and firmly said "Lay down, now". So, I had to lay down really quickly before the numbness kicked in and I was paralyzed. They transferred me to the other bed and put the blue curtain up so I couldn't see. However, I remember my best friend telling me about her c-section and how she could see everything in the stainless light above her! So, of course, I did the same. I told them I could see, and they said there wasn't anything that could be done.
Hubs came in and so did Haize. I saw him look over at my insides when he walked in. He was freaked out too but he was trying to be the awesome calm, support husband that he was. He held my hand and just stared into my eyes. All of a sudden, the OB said "Do you want to see your baby?" We both started crying immediately. I heard Pax cry and I couldn't believe I had my baby! All of a sudden I had my baby! After all of the owrry and anxiety and pain...our baby was here, just like that. I watched as they cleaned him off and listened to his cry. I wanted to hold him so badly that I couldn't think about the fact that my insides were being cleaned and washed off and my organs were being placed back into my stomach! Once, Pax was cleaned and hubs cut the umbilical cord, I held my angel! I did not want to let go of him. Unfortunately, he and hubs went to the nursery to do whatever they needed to do. While my OB was sewing me back up, he said that Pax had the cord wrapped around his neck and he was face up. He said there was no way he was going to have come out naturally. (Just as I suspected) Had I waited another week, he may have been ready then...but at this point, my baby was healthy and safe and that is all that mattered.
I had to go to recovery after that and I was shaking uncontrollably, which I was told was due to the medication in the spinal. They said there was an order for demerol that would help. I asked for half of the ordered dosage and I found out she gave me the entire dosage! When I was about to leave, they scared me into thinking that the spinal pain medicine would wear off and I would be in some serious pain, so I should take the shot of demerol into my thigh. So, I did.
While I laid on that bed, "recovering", all I could think about was trying to get my legs to move so I could see my baby! I just wanted to hold my baby! Finally, they wheeled me down to my room. They told me that Pax had to have formula in a bottle because his blood sugar was really low, which is said to be typical of babies of gestational diabetic mothers. I wasn't happy that he didn't get my boob before the bottle.
Once Pax was brought in....which I do not remember at all because I was so doped up! ...I have seen the video of me explaining to him that it must have been really scary coming into this bright place after being cozy and warm inside my tummy. I wanted to put words to his experience.
For the next few days, I felt like I was in la-la land...still doped up for at least wo days after the surgery. I stood to walk and felt extremely dizzy. Because I had so many people helping me with Pax, the fact that he slept all the time and the fact that I was still so doped, I didn't really comprehend what had transpired. That I had actually given birth. I was having a really difficult time breast feeding because Pax had a high pallette and could feel my nipple, I couldn't get him to latch. (I will save the BF information to another day).
We stayed in the hosptial for a total of 5 days. As soon as we walked into our house, the hubs and I just started crying. We couldn't believe we had just brought home a baby, our baby and we were now responsible for him. It was so strange but lovely. All I wanted to do was protect this little angel that grew inside my belly.
A year later, that is still all I want to do. Protect him. I can't believe how much I love him and that it is even possible to feel so much love for someone. He amazes me everyday.
Happy Birthday, my sweet angel boy. You are amazing!